Skitzzo.com is undergoing a bit of a transition. I’m not sure what I’ll be doing with the content that is here currently but I guarantee I’ll keep it online somewhere. As you can see from the new tag line, the site is going to be dedicated to my social media activities. I’ll update everyone more as I go but I wanted to give everyone the heads up on what was going on with the site.

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Ok, so I’ve just discovered why I haven’t updated this blog in… well forever. As it turns out, Tulsa is the epicenter of the crazy universe. It’s not that EVERYone from good ole T-town is out of their mind, but it most definitely has the highest per capita rate around. Don’t believe me? Check out this video from a Tulsa area coffee shop:

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Oh wow, I just realized if I want to keep up my impressive once every other month posting average I’d better get to it. Of course it doesn’t hurt that I spent last weekend back in Tulsa, which judging by my post count, is infinitely more entertaining than St. Louis. (Two rim shots in the first two sentences, I’m on FIRE!)

Anyway, over the weekend, the wife and I stopped into the human circus (better known as Wal-Mart) to pick up a few odds and ends. True to form, good ole’ WallyWord delivered. As we were shopping a group of goth kids caught my attention, specifically one rather large girl. I’m not quite sure how to convey her size to you but if you think of Godzilla, you’ve got a good idea of what this broad ate for lunch. And really, she didn’t quite catch my attention so much as it got sucked into her gravitational pull. If that weren’t bad enough she was wearing a plaid skirt and I think was trying to pull off the whole dark scary school girl look or something. Anyway as I’m standing in line at the electronics counter waiting for the cashier to explain the intricacies of “swiping your credit card” to a woman who had done more drugs than the entire country of Columbia, I overhear the goth group’s conversation from the aisle next to me.

“No F&*#&in way! They’ve got a Wii!!”

inaudible mumble… I’m not sure whether this kid didn’t move his lips when he talked or the sound waves had a hard time getting around the small planet he was talking to. Either way he didn’t contribute much to the conversation.

“I know! Damnit, I don’t get paid til next week!”

more mumbles

“No they don’t have layaway… not for electronics” I have no idea whether that’s actually true or not but I couldn’t help myself after hearing that gem. I set the cd down on the counter (Bob Marley’s mom was still trying to figure out how to pay in front of me) and whipped around the corner to the aisle with the Wii. Now, I need to fill you in on two important points before I go on. Number one, we already have a Wii. Number two, I had absolutely no intention of buying another one.

“Did you say they have a Wii?!?”

“Uh… yeah… but.. um” It was like a pair of headlights had just hit a dear in the middle of the road. She was confused, scared, and petrified all at the same time.

“Where? Are you gonna buy it?” I was sure I had over sold this but apparently sarcasm wasn’t this girl’s strong suit.

“Um… yeah. Yeah, we’re gettin it.” At this point the mumbler really didn’t help his friend because he was looking at her like she had just said she weighed 95 lbs. Struggling to keep a straight face I acted like I believed it.

“Oh man… that sucks! Are you sure? I mean cause if not, I’ll get it.”

“No, we’re getting it. Sorry”

“Crap…ok…”

At this point I dropped my head and shuffled my way back around to the counter. I wasn’t gone more than 15 seconds before I hear “No! You stay with it. STAY WITH IT… I’ll be back”

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10 minutes behind an old man in the Jack in the Box drive through. You know how those places have two menu’s? One to figure out what you want before you get to the one to place your order? Yeah well this guy spent 5 minutes yelling his order at the one without the speaker. I’m not sure he every figured it out so much as just decided that one was broken and decided to try the next one. Anyway I just thought you should know…

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Well friends, I have to admit, when the wife and I sat down to play cards with my mom on a Friday night, I wasn’t exactly excited about the direction the night was headed. But, if I’ve learned anything over the years (and really that’s quite debatable) it should be that when my old home town of Collinsville, IL is involved, anything can happen.

At about 10:30 or so an impressive amount of noise started coming from the neighbors house. Now, this is nice little dead end street and the wookie and college guy (if you don’t know who that is a: consider yourself lucky and b: go read about my neighbors) were hundreds of miles away so this actually came as a bit of a shock to me. I stepped outside to the porch to check things out and realized the house next door was playing host to a fairly noisy party. No big deal, I mean it wasn’t too late, and it was a weekend so I went back inside to continue the Chinese water torture erm… playing cards.

Well apparently I had caught someone’s attention next door because a few minutes later there was a timid knock at the door. I open it to find a young Tommy Chong on the other side. “Hey man… uh we’re having a party over there (thanks chief, I hadn’t quite figured that out yet) and dude, if we’re being too loud just let us know. We’ll all take off or whatever, we just don’t want to have the cops called on us.” I assured the cached-out pot-head that it was no big deal and I didn’t plan on calling the cops, closed the door, and figured that would be the end of the story

I’ve got to say, I’ve never gotten such a kick out of being wrong. About an hour and a half later my dad asks me to go outside and find out why the cops are walking around our front yard looking in our cars. It didn’t take me long to put together a pretty good idea of what had happened and sure enough, when I got outside 4 cop cars were scattered along the street and there was an officer taking down the license plates of all the cars parked along the street. I asked if everything was ok and he said they were just having some problems with the party next door (go figure… I mean the stoned guy seemed like he really had it together, I can’t imagine how something could have gone wrong there). Anyway as we were talking, I heard some noises coming from the back yard. I went inside, grabbed the dog and her leash (I needed an excuse to go back outside) and went out the side door. Within seconds my dog had taken off down the hill next to our house and gone into a point at the corner of the house. About the same time I hear a muffled “… a freaking DOG!” come from the back hill of our yard (that is covered with brush, bushes, and poison ivy). As I’m starting to put two and two together, I notice that the dog is still intently pointing at something sitting next to the house. I walk over and find a purse (containing a now ringing cell phone), and a pair of high healed shoes.

Being the good citizen that I am, I of course picked up the purse and shoes and walked back to the front yard to find one of the cops.

“Officer, um I found these in our back yard over there and I’m pretty sure there are people on our back hill”
“(laughing)So you’re telling me some girl is running around back there in all that crap without any shoes on?”
“It sure looks like it.”
“Oh this is priceless”
“Do you want to take my dog with you to help find em? (hey, I was proud of her)”
“(laughing harder now) Honestly, the girl is running around without her shoes or her purse. Do you really think we need the dog?”
“Point taken”

Sure enough, half an hour later, we see the officer ushering a no-longer-shoeless girl across our front lawn and into the back of a waiting police car. So the moral of the story is boys and girls, if you DO ever happen to find yourself running from the police, you’re probably better off taking your shoes with you. Oh yeah, you also might want to avoid the poison ivy as well…

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I know, I know, I was shocked too. But, unfortunately for MickeyD’s I’ve got undeniable proof and despite numerous attempts to buy me off (lifetime Big Macs was tempting… had they thrown in fries we might have been able to work something out), I’m posting it here for all to see. You know those surveys they try to get you to take? The ones where they put the info on the back of your receipt and you call in and answer questions and you get the CHANCE to win 10 grand? Yeah well after practically being brow beaten by an overzealous fry flinger that we “Really should give it a shot! I mean, seriously!!” my wife became curious about said survey and began to read the official rules on the back of our grease stained receipt and came across this gem of a sentence. At first, I just couldn’t believe me eyes. But, when we got home and I pulled up McDonald’s Official Survey site, there it was just staring up at me from the bottom of the page like a belated Christmas gift from McDonald’s to me (an obvious attempt to make up for once again depriving me of that wholesome goodness known as the McRib)…

I’ve zoomed in on the important part for you but just so we’re 100% clear it says, and I quote, “In order to win, a Canadian resident must first correctly answer a skills-testing question.” That’s right ladies and gentlemen, a skills-testing question. For all our Canadian friends out there allow me to translate. It means, “They wanna make sure you’re not too stupid, eh!”

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I know usually I try to write something that’s entertaining and maybe even a bit funny. Well every now and then you run into something that you just know you can’t ever top. To be quite honest, after I finish this post, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to write for this blog again. Nothing I ever post will make you laugh this hard. Nothing. It’s just not possible. Think I’m building it up a bit too much? Well I’m not. Here, watch for yourself….

And I’m done….

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In case you haven’t seen the news this morning, a mysterious odor has spread across large areas of New York City and even parts of New Jersey. Cnn.com is reporting that the odor has caused the evacuations of some buildings, however, the mayor said it’s unpleasant but harmless.

However, in our constant quest to bring you quality stories, Skitzzo.com has discovered the source of this news creating mystery oder! To be honest with you, I’m a bit surprised this story got as much media attention as it has. It wasn’t exactly brain science to figure this one out. The source was, of course, none other than:

and their co-conspirators: .

No word yet on reports that the odor has been an annual problem since the early 1990’s…

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Once again due to constant (and often annoying) demand, I give you a Skitzzo post.

This handsome devil is of course yours truly (as if you coudn’t tell). Now I know what you’re saying… “But Skitzzo, (yes, you would call me skitzzo) in the cartoon at the top, you look like you’re half bald!”

Of course I would tell you that A) My dad the cartoonist likes to exaggerate things a bit B) At the time of the drawing I had shaved my head. I have now started to grow my hair back out and C) Who ask you anyway!?!

Anyway I think I might have to use these images from now on in my stories… I mean think of it… How much funnier stories about the Wookie that lives downstairs would have been if you had been picturing this in your head:

Or the horror that would have swept over your body if, when reading the story about Big Momma, you realized she looked like this!

Anyway suffice it to say, this site is the greatest thing to happen to Skitzzo.com since Things My Girlfriend and I have Argued About.com.

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As frequent readers of this blog know, my wife and I live in a… let’s say “interesting” apartment complex. Well tonight it finally paid off for me. Allow me to set the stage for you.

On any given day, this pattern repeats itself. I come home, do a couple of quick chores (take the dogs for a walk, take the trash out, etc) and then sit down in my recliner to unwind. It’s been a while since I’ve had a high stress job, but it’s always nice to sit down and relax after a long day. Anyway I sit down in my recliner, pull the lever to kick my feet up and set about feeding my internet addiction. Well, come to find out, the lever for my recliner is also attached to an alarm somewhere. This alarm sends out a pitch beyond the hearing of most mortals, but, apparently clear as day to my wife.

Like any good alarm, it illicits a response. In this case, the required response is for my lovely wife to ask me to do something which involved my getting up out of my soft, comfortable, and oh so inviting recliner. “Honey, can you help me move this box?” “Can you get something out of my car?” It’s hardly ever a big deal, it simply involves me getting up. It’s happened so often that I’ve started trying to game the system. I’ll sit down but won’t kick my feet up, or I’ll try to do it really really slowly. Yeah, I’ll give ya two guesses on how well that works for me.

So, tonight, we come home and after a few minutes I sit down, kick off my shoes, and recline into heavenly TV and Internet bliss. 15 seconds later, I hear “Babe?” from the kitchen.
“Can we go check the mail?” Just for the record these types of questions aren’t really questions. I’ve not been married long but I’ve learned that.
“But… but…I’ve got my shoes off?” More a pathetic grasping at straws than a valid counter point.
“So put ‘em back on” the obvious and simple, yet devastating retort.
“Hun, I just sat down and got comfortable” I don’t who I’m trying to kid… I’m reduced to whining here. It’s whining, I know I’m whining, and yet, I’m physically incapable of doing anything else at this point.
“It’s not like I did it on purpose. Please?” Once again, despite the inquisitive tone, NOT a question.
“Alright…. I guess” you didn’t honestly think that discussion would come to any other conclusion did you?

I stand up, slip my shoes on and take one step towards the door when all of the sudden what seemed like 8 police and fire sirens start to blare. Suddenly sensing a threat to her position, my wife’s back stiffens, her ears prick up, and she glares at me. It’s too late. I might be slow, but even I can sense a momentum shift of this magnitude. My eyes quickly light up as new hope springs eternal. The sirens get closer and closer until they’re nearly deafening. A police helicopter roars onto the scene and suddenly I’m 10 feet tall.
“Honey, the mail’s gonna have to wait. We’re not going out there in the middle of all this” ahh the sweet taste of victory. Talk about a comeback. I’m tempted to do a little victory dance but wisdom somehow wins out.

I sit back down and kick off my shoes and all she can do is glare. “You’re responsible for this aren’t you?” humor was obviously all she had left at this point.
“Yup, I called it in” having just fallen backwards into a win, I wasn’t exactly itching for a rematch here.

Now, what exactly was going on, we might never know. We ventured out onto the porch for a minute to try and take a look but couldn’t see much and it stunk like chemicals. My guess, some idiot blew up his meth lab but let’s be honest, I don’t much care. Whatever it was, it was big. The fire trucks and helicopter are just now leaving, nearly an hour later and I’ve been in the recliner for every blessed minute of it.

“I’m sorry babe, what’s that?” Oh… uh… I’ll have to finish this up later….

I’ve got to go check the mail.

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