First of all let me say that yes, I realize I haven’t updated in a month. I’ve also heard the phrase “you need to update skitzzo.com” from just about everyone. I got a call the other day from President Bush. I was obviously very excited and honored to talk to the Commander-in-Chief right up until the point where he told me to update my site. I hung up on him. Ok so obviously the President doesn’t read my site (yes we all thought about making the joke about G. Dub being illiterate here, so don’t think that makes you clever) but you get the picture. In my defense, I did get married a few weeks ago. I’m not telling you this because I’ve been too busy with the wedding, the honeymoon, and moving my new wife into my one bedroom apartment. No, I’m telling you this because the amount of things I am allowed to post on here just got cut in half. In fact, before the honeymoon was even over I had been told “Don’t you dare post this” no less than 14 times over the 7 days. So, what I’m tryin to say is, cut me some slack how ’bout it?

Ok, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way I figured that my triumphant return to posting should probably be another installment of the Co-Worker Hall of Fame. If you haven’t heard of the CWOF before… well then scroll down genius. Alright, let’s jump right in….

Friendly Phyllis

You didn't want Phyllis to pull a Brooks Hadlin on ya...Once again, Phyllis is a person that everyone has worked with, or at the very least known. Phyllis can be male or female, young or old, but I promise you, you’ve all dealt with a Phyllis. Back when I worked at the library there was this sweet old lady who had worked there for about a million years. She never really did much but no one ever thought of firing her. For one she was just too old to fire. I don’t know old she really was but she used to walk around mumbling about how this new fangled light invention would never catch on, so take that for what its worth. And, when someone’s been at one place for so long you can’t ever be sure how change would affect them. You remember in The Shawshank Redemption, what happened when they tired to release friendly old Brooks? Yeah, so did every person who worked with Phyllis.

Anyway as I said, Phyllis was very nice and friendly… too friendly. You see, Phyllis didn’t have a lot of friends, unless you counted her cats (and to be honest I can’t count that high),I'm quite certain Phyllis talked to her cats when there weren't any other willing victims... so when she came to work 2 days a week, it was the Word Series of her social life. Anyone who was unfortunate enough to cross paths with the slowly shuffling Phyllis, automatically lost 45 minutes of their day. I’m serious. Making eye contact was the equivalent to smoking half a pack of cigarettes, both noticeably shortened your life span. It wasn’t so much that Phyllis was unpleasant to talk to, it was just that she talked about the most boring topics in history. I mean this woman was like Ben Stein (Bueller…Bueller…Anyone?) on 3 different depressants. I once had a 30 minute conversation (and by conversation I mean she talked and I contemplated how relaxing Chinese water-torture sounded right about then) with Phyllis about the proper stitch to use when knitting a sweater for a pet. Seriously. I’m not even close to kidding. For the love of everything holy I wish I were joking. I know it sounds horrible but when talking to Phyllis you honestly questioned whether the conversation or Phyllis would die first. That line is gonna be funny right up until she does croak… she really is a sweet lady.

Just a quick side note: Other favorite topics for Friendly Phyllis’ include:

  • Their children
  • Their pets
  • Computers
  • Dungeons and Dragons
  • Their children’s pets
  • And last but not least, their ailments (arthritis, aches, pains, rashes, painful rashes, unfortunately its all fair game)

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