Well… I don’t know how many of you read about Juliet’s and my first fight? It was pretty good. It was about a raccoon… if you don’t believe me, go back and read it. I am not joking. We fought about a raccoon. I HATE raccoons. Anyway, it may come as a surprise to you, but that was not our last fight. In fact, we had one just tonight. Well… sort of. Once again, I am afraid that I must warn you, some of this will be embellished slightly… some names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the facts of this story are no where near the point. Here it goes…Tonight, I rang up my lovely girlfriend on what you kids call the tele. Of course there is the usual chit chat…

Me: “How was your day?”

Juliet: “Oh it was fine, I cleaned, I waited tables, and….. *I’d like to point out that Juliet didnt trail off at this point… no no, that’s merely my concentration level, don’t worry though, it wont come back to bite me this time*Juliet… yes still: “and that was pretty much it. How was your day?”

Me: “well you know, not a lot happened, I went to work, the apartment people called, I got the apartment and that was exciting (this wasn’t a big deal in this conversation because I had already told her about it in a previous conversation. I tell you this because I want to portray the situation fairly and wouldn’t want to make it seem like Juliet wasn’t paying attention to me or something). That was pretty much it though.”
Juliet: “Yawn” yes, she litteraly said this.
Me: “Are you tired hun?”
Juliet: “Yeah, I didn’t get to bed until like 1:30 last night and I had to get up at 8 this morning.”
Me… and this is the critical part: “Yeah, I have to get up at 8 or 8:30 tomorrow”
Juliet: “Yeah, 8″
Me: “Eh, probably more like 8:30″
“No, 8″
“Um… why?”
“Because I have to work”
“So?”
“So, I have to work.”
“So?”
“So it has to be 8 cause I have to go to work.”
“So?” It was still a valid question at this point but using my masterful, almost superhuman power of reading Juliet’s tone of voice, I could tell this was about to get ugly and I should probably use the phrase sparingly….
“SO… that means its 8.”
“So?” Ok, I might have overdone it there… just remember this point… you know, when they find my body in a pile of spaghetti like noodles that appear as if they have been sucked through the phone, chewed on and spit back out.
“SO why do you keep saying SO? Enough with the so!”
“Ok… I don’t get it.”
“I don’t want you to say SO anymore. What’s so difficult about that?”
“Nothing, I get THAT. I just don’t get why it has to be 8. Care to explain that one to me?”
“I TOLD you, I have to be at work so I have to get up at 8!” now at this point… well I am pretty sure that the authorities are on their way towards my darlings humble abode. I mean its not often someone sees a mushroom cloud and just says “huh now isnt that interesting.” People tend to report these kinds of things.
“S…”
“DONT YOU DARE! You had better hope that the word you were about to utter was a different word starting with the letter S (at this point my mind momentarily switches over to the SNL Jeopardy skit with Sean Connery answering Saber… It began with a bloody S! Just momentarily though… We now return you to your regularly scheduled threats of violent and painful death by girlfriend) because if you say ‘So’ again I will rip off your arm and beat every ounce of pride out of you with it… OVER the phone… (she never disappoints a crowd).
“Babe, I understand you have to get up at 8 because you have to be at work. I just dont understand why that means I should have to get up that early just because you do.”
“Oh, you were talking about what time YOU had to get up?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, never mind then, it doesn’t matter to me” and instantly the fangs retract, the halo is back in place and I am once again talking to the embodiment of innocence and light. You see… and now don’t feel bad if you don’t get it right away. In fact, I expect most sane people won’t. However, I have been dating Juliet for nearly 6 months and have become adept at back tracking and figuring out where the conversation went so terribly wrong. You might say I’ve had some practice. It turns out, that way back at the start of this whole “Who’s on First” ordeal, she thought I said “Don’t you have to get up at 8 or 8:30 tomorrow?” instead of “I have to get up at…”. In hindsight, that’s some what a critical point of the conversation and I might want to enunciate that a bit better. Maybe next time…

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